


Always

by The_Dementors_Kiss



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: 'Always', Hes just so sad, Lots of Angst, M/M, Severus Snape Needs a Hug, Unrequited Love, just loads of sadness here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-27 22:48:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30130044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Dementors_Kiss/pseuds/The_Dementors_Kiss
Summary: When the Headmaster asked, Severus knew he was talking about Lily. When Severus responded, he wasn't. It had never been Lily, but James.
Relationships: James Potter/Severus Snape
Comments: 8
Kudos: 53





	Always

_ “Always.” _

Oh, he knows who the headmaster is referring to. He’s not, though, when he replies. No, he has never loved Lily. It has always been James. 

That’s why it hurts so much to see Harry. He is a carbon copy of his father, except for his eyes. He has Lily’s emerald eyes, and those eyes serve as a reminder of how his once-friend got what he could never have. 

He can't help himself. Seeing those eyes, it brings out the worst in him, awakens his jealousy. But, seeing the hurt, the anger flash across James’s son’s face, never fails to make him feel guilty.

_ “Always.” _

It had killed him, arriving at their house to see James laying dead on the floor, having to step over his lifeless form and pretend to cry over Lily. 

He had barely kept up his Occlumency shields long enough to get to her. He had known he was being watched, could feel the eyes on him the moment he arrived at the ruined house. He put on a good show, then he left. He knew he couldn't be found here, he’d be blamed.

He went home to his empty, lonely house, home to the house that was never really a home, merely a place to live, home to the suffocating silence and the knowledge that it was his fault, his fault that the only person he had ever loved was dead. 

Home to his empty life, and to the knowledge that he would never be loved, never be wanted, never be more than a greasy dungeon bat people avoided at all costs.

_ “Always.” _

He had made a mistake, a mistake that he knew might cost James and his son their lives. So he did the only thing he could think of. 

He went to his old headmaster, pleaded for him to protect Lily and her son, promised anything and everything, because he couldn't bear to be the reason that James was killed. He had agreed to whatever the headmaster asked, would have traded his soul to ensure James’s safety. 

He left, thinking many things. He was relieved that he had ensured the safety of the man he loved. He thought of James and his son. As always, there was the sadness that accompanied the thought of James. And, he thought, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to be caught, killed. There was no one to miss him, anyways.

  
  


_ “Always.” _

Soon, James started asking Lily out on an almost daily basis. Severus hated this, hated all the attention he gave her, how James ignored him unless he needed someone to hex or tease. Lily and him started to grow apart. 

He had to distance himself from her, couldn't listen to her complain about James asking her out, flirting with her, paying too much attention to her. Why? He would always wonder. What do you have to complain about? I would love for him to pay even a tenth of the amount of attention he pays you, would kill for just the smallest bit of the affection he shows you. 

So, Lily left him, and he started to turn to his own housemates. Oh, he didn't tell anyone, has never told anyone how he feels, but the Slytherins were happy to let him slide into the welcoming darkness that surrounded them anyways. 

The final straw was when James used one of his own spells against him. When Lily comes to help he can't stand the look he gives her, wishes so desperately that he could be in her place, that he snaps. “I don't need your help, you filthy Mudblood!” 

James looks furious, and Lily storms away. Severus resigns himself to whatever James decides to do to him. I deserve whatever I get for hurting Lily when I know James cares for her, he thinks to himself. 

Because, after all, you don't hurt the people that your one love cares for. 

  
  


_ “Always.” _

When Black told him how to get where they went once a month he took it. He wanted to know what they did, wanted to know all that he could about James. So, he poked the knot in the trunk of the tree and went through the tunnel. 

Inside he was faced with a turned Werewolf. He thought he was going to die. No one will miss me, he thought. Even Lily was pulling away. Then a stag dashed between them. It drove back the Wolf, turning into James when it was safe. 

“Get out of here Snape! Go!” he said. 

Severus ducked his head and went. He just couldn't seem to squash that little part of him that wondered if maybe James did care, just a bit? He wouldn't have saved him if he hadn't, right?

_ “Always.” _

Lily was his first friend. They lived in the same town, and he was the one to tell her about Hogwarts. 

He was cautious, at first. He wasn’t quite sure how friends worked, what was allowed, and he desperately didn't want to scare her away. They were thrilled when they got their letters. 

They went together, and they met James, who Severus found charming and cool. James, who always paid too much attention to Lily, in his opinion. James, who he began to love. So, when him and his band of friends started going after Severus, he didn't mind. He would take any attention they would give him. 

_ Always... _


End file.
